(Thanks to John Sullivan, Maya Kollman and Harville Hendrix for the following)

"From earliest times to the present, the testimony is consistent; men and women have trouble with their most important relationships. Imago Therapy offers a theory of how the uncompleted emotional agendas of childhood are likely to be re-enacted in present marital conflict. It offers ways to access and bring into awareness that material and employs a number of specific procedures for helping couples transform their relationship." -- Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., Creator of Imago Relationship Therapy

The word Imago is Latin for image. Imago theory states that each of us unconsciously forms an image of an opposite sex partner which is made up of both the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers (usually our mother and father). In the romantic phase of the relationship, we see our partner's positive traits and think that this person will meet all our needs we didn't get met as a child. When the honeymoon is over however, we realize that some of the negative qualities that were a part of our childhood are also cropping up in the relationship. We think our partner is not going to take care of all our unmet childhood needs, and indeed is more interested in getting their needs met. Here's where the power struggle begins and it is where most relationships stay with varying degrees of resignation, bitterness and disillusionment. Interestingly enough, it is those same negative traits which hold the capacity to heal us. Unfortunately many leave the relationship (divorce or separation) at this stage.

Imago Theory offers an alternative to this trap. If I am unconsciously attracted to my partner because she has similar positive and negative characteristics of my mother and father, and if there is a complimentary attraction on my partner's side, then there is no place for blame or criticism in my relationship. Each partner has chosen the other out of literally thousands of possibilities in order to get unmet childhood needs fulfilled. The purpose of a committed relationship is to finish childhood. Accordingly to Hendrix though, for most of us this purpose of relationship is unconscious. There is the romantic phase and then a subtle or not so subtle shift into the power struggle and here is where many relationships end up.

The key word is unconscious. Imago theory offers ways and procedures to move an unconscious relationship to a conscious, intentional relationship and pave the way for real love - two partners who know what the purpose of their relationship is ( to heal the childhood wounds of their partners ), who have the tools to do this ( intentional dialogue, etc.) and who genuinely love each other ( i.e. meet their partner's needs the way they need to be met ). It sounds simple but it is not easy. M Scott Peck, (The Road Less Traveled) speaks about Imago Relationship Therapy "I know of no better guide for couples who genuinely desire a maturing relationship."

The Zebra Story
(Thanks to John Sullivan for the story)

When a baby zebra is born, it takes a few hours for its legs to be steady. During this time its mother walks around it continuously -- for up to 20 hours. The baby zebra memorizes its mothers particular stripe pattern. In other words, the mother's image is 'imprinted' on the baby's mind so that the baby can recognize its mother who looks like all other zebras when looking for her.

This is important because if there is danger -- say a hungry lion -- the baby zebra needs to get to its mother because she will defend it. [Zebra's have a terrific kick].

If the baby runs to the wrong mother, she will just keep running and the baby will be lunch for the lion!

Like zebras, people seem to form an image of what the big, important people in our early lives look like. Dr. Hendrix calls this an imago (Latin for image). Think of it as a bar-code.

When we meet someone who we're attractive to, we have met someone whose characteristics match the imago or the bar-code of our early caretakers.

That is why we meet someone who we are instantly attracted to and feel as if we've always have known them, they feel familiar, comfortable and as if we can read their minds at tines. We say things like, "I can't believe I've only known you a week -- its like I've known you forever." or "We have so much in common -- we seem so in tune."

Unfortunately, after the thrill of romantic love the same characteristics that caused us problems in our childhood relationships are likely to cause difficulties in our adult relationships.

Because we also learn how to have relationships when we are very young, the way we deal with dissatisfactions in our adult relationships will be set in a pattern that seems normal and natural to us. Its a habit -- like driving a car -- we don't even think about how we do it! That is how people tend to get into circular discussions that they go over and over and never come to resolution.

In order to have the outcome change, the couple needs to learn to interact in a different way. To think and act 'outside of the box.' That is the goal of Imago Therapy.

Dr. Harville Hendrix's theory on how relationships really work is based on the premise that children form an unconscious image of caretakers or an Imago.